One of my good friends and colleagues is moving on to pastures new this week and has invited a few of us to dinner, with the stipulation that each of us has to do a “turn” in the Scottish tradition which used to have me hiding behind the furniture as a child at Hogmanay parties. I can’t sing, I can’t dance and I can barely play a CD. However, I can read and I can appreciate a good sense of humour so after a bit of research I’m going to attempt a monologue in the style of Chic Murray, one of Scotland’s best ever comedians. One of Billy Connolly’s greatest influences, Chic was famous for his deadpan delivery and the surreal or absurdist nature of his stories. Like Groucho Marx, much of Chic’s humour hinged on the ambiguities of the English language and his delight in playing with words. “My girlfriend’s a redhead – no hair, just a redhead” could just as easily have come from the little grouch as the “Tall Droll”, Murray’s famous stage name. I suppose in the scheme of things, it’s neither here nor there whether I pull off the performance or not. But as Chic would say, if something’s neither here nor there, where the hell is it? Fortunately there is still video footage of the great man.